sacrifice

it's ash wednesday once again. start of the lenten season. it's that time again to think of something i should give up for forty days and forty nights. a sacrifice. i look back again at what sacrifice means - from the latin words sacra (sacred, holy) and facere (to do, perform) - to make holy...so it has to be something that makes me holy. that, i have to really think about.

the Lord has been correcting me these past days. He knew that i've been keeping my stubborn stance with regards to some friends who i felt have hurt me. though i've asked Him to allow me to be stubborn for now, He hasn't been listening and has been challenging me to let go of all semblance of pride that i have.

last Sunday, He talked thru fr. rene. for some reason his homily last sunday just went straight to me. i was smiling at first and said to God, "hmmmn, it's just fr. rene speaking, it's not You." and then, at the end of his homily, fr. rene said, "this is the word of God" - he usually doesn't say that! so there i was sitting and He was so loudly talking to me! haay! but our conversation didn't end there. during communion i asked Him, "so Lord, any more messages for me? is there anything in the communion song?" jam played the intro but i couldn't guess what the song was and had to wait for the first words...and it was...."love one another AS I HAVE LOVED YOU" -- waaah!!

but i wouldn't be gnetski if i heeded the message right there and then. driving home i was talking to Him and i was telling Him that i really can't bring myself to let go of myself. i asked Him to let me be for now...

i wasn't able to listen to fr. jun's commentary last sunday so i only listened yesterday when i came back to work. his message? we are called by God to love with an "agape" kind of love. other kinds of love (eros - love between a man & a woman, storge - love between parents & children, philia - love between friends) are natural love. but the AGAPE kind of love is unnatural - it is unconditional, non-discriminating, self-forgetful, and only has the good of the beloved at heart. that's the kind of love that God gives us. ('O Theos Agape Estin - God is love).

God is calling me to love - and loving is a decision. you do things that are not natural, that are not easy because you decide to love - no matter, inspite of, despite of, because.

but i still couldn't do it.

today He gave me another chance, and reminded me of how much He has given up FOR ME. how he suffered FOR ME. how he endured everything FOR ME. how he continues to love me, even if i'm unloveable.

and it just hit me. i have no right to feel prideful coz i really don't deserve anything. yet He has given HIS LIFE just so i can live, just so i may be saved.

Lord, I'm sorry for being so stubborn. For always only seeking what I think is due to me. I'm sorry for blaming others for how I am. I'm sorry for everything. This season, as we remember your passion, may I be able to partake in the sacrifice that you offered for me and for everyone. May I be more loving and caring as I become less judging and self-concerned. Teach me Lord to love like you.